i'm pregnant. i found out a few weeks ago, and all i want to do is eat. i crave food more than anything, i throw up and i feel sick all the time. i want to keep it, my boyfriend won't let me. he doesn't want it. i guess that's what is right for us.
things have gotten really bad. i got kicked out, my mom took my car away from me and she won't pay for me to go to college and i'm almost done. my boyfriend has been talking to girls online and i found out today  but he doesn't know and i don't even want to bring it up because i don't want to get into another fight with another person. i feel so weak lately. like i don't have control of my life and i'm a puppet.  i rely so much on him, right now i rely way to much on him. if he left me i wouldn't even have a place to sleep. he pays for me to live at his apartment. however i can't keep living my life in fear that he might cheat on me. i give him so much, i do so much for him, and i can't deal with the fear that i live in everyday. if i cheated on him he would leave and never look back. i feel to much, i would be so upset if i cheated on him. he doesn't think it's bad because 'i make him do it' because 'i don't let him do anything' .
i need to go away and not be around my life, i need to figure out what i want. and i need to live like i want to live. i rely to much on everyone to take care of me. i can do it myself. i need help.

this weekend has been the worst weekend of my life.
my boyfriend and i went up to his grandparents house and we were outside playing with the dog when he scrapped his leg so i went to the car to get a the first aid kit when i saw he had a text message, so i looked and he was talking to this other girl in a very sexual way. well, i called him out on it later when we weren't around family and he made just a big scene and wanted me to leave, well no one could drive him home so i had to wait until this morning to go back home, we worked things out and everything was fine. I had this best friend for three years, and he just moved back home for the summer. well i asked him to hangout (we never dated, we never kissed, nothing) my boyfriend flipped out and broke up with me. we've been dating for a few years, he broke up with over nothing. i've been having panic attacks all night, i can't breath and my whole body hurts. I seriously don't know what to do, i'm so used to him. i left all of my dreams, went to a random college near are home just so we could stay together. I can't deal with this, this isn't how it was supposed to be.
i just want it to go back to normal.
the good news is, i lost 6 pounds. it's the only good thing of the day. i think with my sadness i'll probably lose more.